Nate's Workshop On Horrible Writing #4

Copyright 1998-2004 by Nate Leved

More Horrible Writing Tips:
DON'T MAKE IT HARD: Remember that one third or more of adult Americans read at or below the third grade level and are therefore, functional illiterates. Why do you suppose that management put pictures of hamburgers and French fries on the cash register keys at Mc Donald's? A great many more begin floundering at somewhere around the fifth grade level. The seventh grade level is about the maximum if you expect to have any chance of developing a readership. Even "New Yorker Magazine" seldom allows writing in excess of seventh grade level to grace their slick and glossy pages. Gee Whiz! There I went to all that trouble to learn to write at grade level twenty only to find out that I had to forget all of those nice four and five syllable words, all that obscure and vague technojargon, and those highly abstract sentence structures in order to get down and rub elbows with the people who would likely buy my horrible stories. Do you really intend to write for college professors?

Most modern computer word processing programs include a grammar checker that will render a report of the approximate grade level of a piece of writing. Failing that, travel to the closest public or college library and ask the nice lady (librarian) to indicate a selection of children's books revealing the various grade levels so that you can get a feel for how those various levels of writing look and read. You might find yourself surprised at the difficulty level and vocabulary of fifth grade writing models. While you are there, check out some popular books or stories of a similar level and genre, as those you intend to write. I couldn't hurt to take a peek at what everyone else is doing, now could it? Microsoft says that the grade level of this particular article is about grade 13, with a readability index of 52%. That means I made it too hard, and a great many people couldn't read it very well. However, the people who couldn't read it probably wouldn't take writing horrible lessons very seriously anyway.

AUDIENCE: It's a good idea to carefully choose your audience when engineering a piece of writing. Ask yourself, "Who is going to read your story?" Are you writing for children, young adults or mature adults? Then consider the sub categories. Are you writing for blue collar workers, white collar workers, college professors, or housewives? Would your story appeal to sport's affectionados, philanthropists, humanitarians, philatelists, collectors, or perhaps day dreamers? Where possible, it's best to shoot for as wide and varied an audience as possible when authoring a commercial piece. After all, you want people to buy your stories, right? Well, doesn't it follow that the more people interested in your subject, the greater the likelihood that consumers will purchase it? However, always remember that no matter how many people proclaim interest in a good horror story, sex sells. That's why the monster always makes off with the sexy lady in the sheer and flowing nightgown.

GENRE: Is a word that seemingly no one can pronounce correctly. Jawn-raw seems the most popular delivery, but you'll hear people pronounce it zahn-raah, gen-rey, jean-er or gen-er-- whatever. Ask a Frenchman. All it means is classification. There are several genres or basic classifications, including Horror, Magic, Science- Fiction/Fantasy, Futuristic, Pornography, Romance, Mystery, Murder, Comedy or whatever else might tickle an author's fancy. Mostly, however, authors stay within one genre when they write a piece. However, authors do, upon occasion cross the boundaries into more than one genre when it suits them or improves their fiction. Today, a smattering of Horror, Romance and fantasy/SF can often be found in the same tale, though the piece will more than likely maintain a level of predominance in one genre or the other. Always put some thought into the main genre of your story, but don't let it hold you back from producing a killer story.

ACTION: Whether it is horrible, sexual or two-fisted, action is what keeps your readers turning your pages. So, what do you do on Saturday night? Why, look for action, of course. That's what readers are up to when they buy your books. Watch them in the book store. First they look at the jacket and then the title. If that looks interesting, then they will look at the blurbs and next, the index. Last, they will spot-read a bit here and a bit there to see, first, if they can read it at all, and second, they want to know if they like the writer's style.

Mainly, however, they are looking for action. Now, it doesn't matter if the book is a romance... Gazing down the path toward the apple orchard, Marsha saw John coming toward her with desire written all over his face. "Say, John," quipped Sarah, "Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?" or if the book is a western... "HO, Trigger, easy boy," commanded Roy, as he guided the Golden, Palomino Stallion down the treacherous ledge, a hundred feet above the raging river. One slip, and it would be curtains for both of them... If all they find is that the sun came up and the sun went down, and charley asked for a glass of water, they will probably not buy the book. Good grief, if you're going to have characters, you might as well portray them doing something of interest to keep your readers awake. I've got a book that I've been reading for about a year. I read a bit of it every night until it puts me to sleep. That's why I read it. It puts me to sleep. Other than that, it has no literary value.

ADVENTURE: Following your characters down a path into the unknown, wondering what is going to happen next, can be attractive to readers. It matters not whether your setting is in a New England haunted house or somewhere upon the dark and sinister continent of Africa. The potential for tempting the unknown can be a powerful draw, especially to those who have no intention of ever exposing themselves to any real danger. The vicarious life is quite satisfying enough, but they want their share of literary excitement to make up for the lack of an adrenaline rush in their everyday lives. Yes, a certain amount of adventurous activity can certainly help you sell books whether they be horror or not. So, if you handle it right, there can even be a bit of adventure at a cocktail party. ...The monster lurked in the larder, peering out through the crack of the door as the maid carried a small tray of drinks toward the waiting guests in the parlor. She never knew what happened as his hand swiftly pulled her through the door. Darkness descended upon her as he carried her down, down, down into the bowels of the Earth..."

Now most people don't consider horror stories as adventure stores, but none-the-less, horror stories can be full of adventure sequences if the author engineers the story along those lines. ...Finding the small metal stud protruding from the solid stone of the wall made the vampire hunter consider his options. "Could this be a secret passage to Modrin's crypt?" he announced as he pressed the metal stud... Outside, the sun had almost set; inside, the torch light flickered eerily upon the walls... Such adventure sequences can be absolutely spellbinding for readers who become engrossed in your story. The descent into the catacombs can positively drip with danger and suspense. .. "What the Hell!" expostulated Blade as his foot pressed upon the trigger stone set into the fifth step down the dank, narrow stair way. "Arrrrggghhh!" he yelled as he jumped back and clawed his way up the shaft on his hands and knees just as a section of ceiling let go, burying the ancient stone channel under tons of rubble. He lay frozen, panting for his life as the poison lances sprang out from their sockets, just inches above him and splintered into the opposite wall. Only a heartbeat had saved him from certain death at the hands of the long since decomposed priests of the Momback tribe...

SUSPENSE: is that emotion that can make your reader's palms grow moist with apprehension, thinking about whether or not Modrin is awake and if he will meet Von Helsing there in the tunnels below the castle ruins. Should that happen, of course, the story would end prematurely... Therefore, in this particular instance, Modrin and Von Helping happen take two different routs to their separate destinations, thus extending the story a bit further. However, the reader is not apprised of this and fully expects the worst. This situation, if deftly escalated, can be almost as good as the real event, especially if some other contrived device occurs to defuse the situation. The longer the author can stave off the actual confrontation (showdown), the more interesting and emotionally reactive will be the story.

HUMOR / COMIC RELIEF: Often, an author can create such tension that the reader wants to escape and take a break, putting the book down and getting away from it for a while. A good author will realize the existence of such points and include an alternative that might relieve the reader's tension enough so that he or she will continue to turn pages. Let us suppose that just after a suspenseful near miss, one of the characters in the tunnel stands up, oblivious to the inherent dangers of the environment and bumps his or her head on a low ceiling or an unnoticed limb if they happened to be in a deep, dark forest. Having a character brush into a tangle of cobwebs can do the trick also if properly handled. Use your imagination.

SHOCK: Every now and again, a good shock can be of value. Having a half rotten corpse bob up unexpectedly while your character wades through chest-deep, brackish water can be pretty shocking. The same can be said for backing into a skeleton or having a cloud of disturbed, squeaking bats descend upon your troops from a cave ceiling. There are any number of devices that could fit in with your story at just the right point if you are cognizant of them and can use them to maximum effect. Of course, the real value of using shock devices comes to life in a screen play where actors can virtually explode through the spectrum of emotions and reflex actions, associated with such material. It's more difficult to pull off a good shock scene on the written page due to the development time required by the written word.

SURPRISE: The emotion of surprise is easier dealt with on paper as each element of the event has time to unfold for maximum effect. "Gee whiz, Lilly, you mean that all this time you've been a lesbian and never let us know?" ...Ed's party really ripped, the people, dancing and pulling off outrageous stunts. Marty had really hit the sauce and was feeling a bit woozy when the clock struck midnight. Even so, when everyone pulled off their masks and revealed their true vampirical forms, He was incredulous! Then grabbing his shirt and running for the door, he found that there was no escape...

IDEA BOOK: Why not keep a notebook of various story elements from the ridiculous to the sublime? You never know when you will stall out and your mind go blank for want of an idea. Writer's Block sucks, and a bulging "Idea Book" can save your rhetorical bacon, especially if you are working under a deadline. Think of your story as being composed of many elements or building blocks. As long as you have plenty of blocks, you can develop most any situation. It's just a matter of choosing the proper block and trimming it to fit. Even though you don't have just exactly what you want, a stock element can get you by until something better comes to mind. Then later, you can call your editor and say, "Gee, Amanda, I just came up with a much better twist for chapter twenty-two! Let me run it past you, and let's see what you think..."

FLASH BACKS: More stories have been ruined by the indiscriminate use of flash backs than just about any other literary contrivance. The reason is that flashbacks, especially when they come hard and fast, tend to confuse readers or viewers like nothing else. Most western (first and second world) people think in a fairly linear fashion. Your English 101 professor will probably apprise you of that fact early on in the course. The Asian mind, on the other hand, tends to think in a circuitous manner, edging into events a little here, a little there. So, if you are writing for the western mind, you had best stick to a fairly straight progression of ideas. Anyway, you can weave three or four threads through your story at a time with good success as long as they progress in a linear fashion, but when you start flashing back here, there and the next place, western minded people tend to lose track and say, "Ah screw it!" That's when the book gets put firmly down or returned to the bookseller.

Nate

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